RACHEL E. BROOKER

All we’ve been hearing about so far?

The Coronavirus.

Now, before I start this, I want to make it transparently clear that my entry is not here to offend. It is not being penned to be judgmental or accusatory. It is supposed to make people laugh, give some emotional support in these testing, upsetting, and downright ugly times.

Okay, now the ‘serious talk’ is out there, let’s pretend to use a magnifying glass, and zoom in to this unpleasant little specimen.

I don’t know about you, guys…. but I visualise Mr or Mrs. Corona (dare I suggest a use of sexism) as a larger-than-life busy-body, a nosy, good-for-nothing neighbour who cranes its neck over everyones’ fences and annoys everyone just because it wants to. No reason for it.

You know how flies rub their front legs together, as if they’re planning world domination? Well, either they’re teaming up with Corona (I’ll call the virus ‘Coronias Virustus’, because it sounds like he or she would have a very egotistical name), or Coronias is just doing whatever they like, on their terms, no matter how many people they infect.

Let me give you an example. One sneeze, only one, and Coronias is right there, travelling up your god-damned nose, making you feel abysmal, and out-right ruining any chances you have of any, and more, of the following –

1. Socialising. Oh. You had plans with your friends? Forget them. Coronias is lonely and bored. Their mission is to annoy you.
2. Holidays…. You’ve been looking forward to relaxing on a beach, cocktail in hand, and letting your worries soar. Yeah, right. Coronias is after world domination (I still think they’re talking with the flies, but that’s for another entry)
3. Shopping for hand gel, and other necessary life things, like, I don’t know, an abundance of toilet rolls? More on that later. Why do you think that would be easy? If Coronias Viriustus wants to point and laugh at your misfortune, what’s stopping it? Nothing.
4. Linked to holidays, flying….. Wanted to go abroad? Yeah, right. Dream on. Coronias is sneering over your shoulder.
5. Public sporting events. Lifelong aspiration to see a World Cup or a (I’ll shut up, I know nothing about this particular subject)
6. Schools. Education? What’s that? Coronias doesn’t care about that. They breed, of course, but they’re intelligent enough, thank you very much.
7. Music festivals. Coronius only likes one sound. Their own, as they inflitrate your soul, and salt-and-pepper their silent but incessant drone of ‘I’m destroying your life.’
8. Tours. Coronius doesn’t give a flying pig’s poo about history, culture, and everything like that. Once again, it only loves one thing. Itself.
9. The elderly. This band of people is one of the worst groups that Coronius picks on. (I – for one – would punch Coronius Viristus in the face if I ever saw it swaggering down the street, after infecting the elderly.) We must stop this monstrosity.

I will say one thing for Mr. or Mrs. Viriustus though. They are encouraging more reading. They have to be. If people can’t go out, they’re going to be limited to what they do. Yes, libraries might be shut but that will just give the virus more time to relax at your house with the collected works of Dickens by a roaring, crackling fireplace.

Think about it.

At least Coronius likes books.

At least it has this going for it.

Otherwise, we must all band together and try and stop this maniacal poacher of all things health. Tonight, I’m going to find a fly, and torture information out of it. I mean, they must know, something, right, and if they don’t, there will be something else that does.

Rats carry diseases, too.

Anyway, one step at a time, one step at a time.