RACHEL E. BROOKER

I know.

It’s such a stupid title, 🙁 yet, I am feeling a little emotional right now, and I need to do what I love the most in order to feel myself again.

Also, please don’t judge my writing on this post. It’s taking me so much restraint not to edit as I go here, but this blog entry is about me confronting how I’m feeling – and what I can do to lift my spirits.

Okay, so, a lot of things have been happening recently. Normally, I’m able to handle my feelings. (Hate to disappoint anyone, but I’m…. not going into detail, as even though I am quite an open person, there are some painful emotions that aren’t to be splashed all over the internet.) If you’re close to me, however, and for those who have known me for years, you can probably tell what I’m talking about. There’s no end to this period. I know that. I’m not stupid. It hurts. It will always hurt -and normally I can cope, even when my dreams are rife with memories.

Not now.

I just wish I knew why…..

In other matters? The grief over my Mum has rushed back, throwing me about like a violent whirlpool. People deal with grieving over those who have passed in various ways. My way isn’t the healthiest. When I start choking up, I allow myself to cry but stop quickly. I need to keep moving forward – and sometimes (like a car running out of petrol) I just struggle to purr into life again. I want her to give me the advice she used to give me. I want to feel her arms around me.

I don’t feel strong right now.

I feel very confused, helpless, frustrated, and everywhere I go, it’s like this storm cloud is hovering over; just waiting to strike me with lightning.

Wow. Apologies. I don’t know where this is all coming from. I should be really happy, I mean, my book is coming on and I’m up to chapter 29 formatting it. I’m in the choir and doing well there. I’m performing a solo in the October concert. The acting course has just started. I’m pushing myself through my Grade 8 singing exam (musical theatre) I like my job. I love my friends. Maybe this is just a rough patch. I go through these times and I always come out of them, but at the time it never feels like it. Compared to what’s happening around the world, my emotions feel selfish. It’s not my fault. That’s what anxiety is like. That’s what occurs, and I shouldn’t feel bad. The only issue? I’m usually such a happy, bubbly, enthusiastic character, so when this happens, I feel trapped in a different body.

I’m writing this at the local cafe, the one place in town where I feel entirely at home (aside from another restaurant) I’ve ordered pasta and cheese. Why? It’s the signature dish that always brings a smile to my face – and I need a smile at the moment. I’m also re-watching one of my favourite Disney Channel series ‘The Suite Life of Zack and Cody’, and it’s also probably no coincidence that the reason why I’m viewing it once more is that their Mum looks like mine used to – and gives words of wisdom just like my own.

I can’t put my finger on why I enjoy programmes that society might see as too young for me, other than the fact that there is so much happiness and comedy in those kinds of series. I’ve been hooked on the new season of ‘High School Musical Series.’

Pasta has arrived. *Eats*

There’s the smile.

I’ve had three days off work, breaking from cleaning bathrooms – and it has been positive in some respects. I need the time to recuperate, and yet, I am really looking forward to getting back.

As you’ve seen on Facebook, I am confident in a lot of respects – posting live videos (although, I do get nervous still) narrating my day like a diary, and for those parts of me, I’m glad. It makes me who I am. In other respects, I struggle with believing I can live the life I want: the music, the drama, even the life as an author – and that’s because I know how competitive it is….

Alright. I’ve gone on enough now.

I just have to have faith in myself.

You all have faith in me.

And one day, soon, the giggling Potter-mad, Pineapple obsessor will be back.