It’s not just raining inside my head, it’s a f****** storm, and everything is flying at me….

Journal

As you’ve probably noticed, this entry is not going to be one filled with glittery unicorns, chocolate sauce poured over ice cream or any other kind of positive image.

Oh well. I have to tell the truth on my blog, and the truth is that I have never felt so utterly alone….not in the outside world (….on the contrary, my friends and family couldn’t be more supportive), but as the title of this implies, my brain feels viciously occupied, as though it holds lightning, thunder, hail, trees, glass, soaring at me; left, right, centre, and they never miss.

The school I’d been working in let me go this afternoon. Just like that. Their excuse? “We thought she’d been struggling for a while, but didn’t tell her.” Cheers, just when I’d begun to think I’d found my calling… πŸ™

The real cherry-on-the-top-before-it-all-smooshed-in-my-face was that they thought I was a ‘lovely person.’ Really? Of course, the school didn’t let me know, no, that horrible job was left to the teaching agency…. poor lady having to deliver that news. I might email her tomorrow, and apologise for balling my eyes out down the phone….

Why are so many bad events happening this year? It’s only February, and I want to see the back of 2020. The irony? I was alright recently. I had tried so hard, and still am. This was the last thing I wanted, given all of the depression from the past few weeks. It’s not fair.

Given the mental storm, I just keep running into disappointment after disappointment. I’ll wake up tomorrow now, expecting more….I hate being like this, and can only keep hope that after the next few weeks, my life will attract some good.

In general, I’m a vivacious character. I like to believe I bring a smile to everyone’s day. If my friends are feeling sad, I’ll offer a shoulder to cry on, or just try and improve their mood in any way that I can at the time. I enjoy laughing. I love writing, singing, dancing, acting out books and movies, running with my cat in the house….

This is the person I want to see again.

The girl in the mirror is an unfamiliar, ugly imposter. She has the keys to our house, but doesn’t belong here. Hopefully, the next time I leave the back door open, she will exit and never come back.

Until then, I must learn to – at the least – try to sympathise with the person staring back. After all, she’s had a tough time recently. A really tough time.

2 thoughts on “It’s not just raining inside my head, it’s a f****** storm, and everything is flying at me….

  1. This is a great blog entry. The ending is the best – give the beautiful girl staring at you a lot of love acceptance compassion – she has been through a lot and deserves all the support Herself can give her. Also when a vase is shattered it can be put together in a completely new way… With new patterns and designs. It could be the greatest time of grace – a new birth! Good luck with much love Mary xxx

    1. Hello Mary, thanks so much. I’m really trying to be brave as much as I can, and I love that about the vase. It’s true. Who knows what’s coming? It’s very hard, but I know my Mum would be really proud xxxxx

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