It’s been a hard month, a really hard month, and I know, with 100% certainty, that the emotions will keep whirling inside me for a long time.
On a later post, I’ll actually be in more of a state to share what’s happened. For now, getting out my feelings on here will have to do.
The roaring storm that I described in my last journal entry has turned more docile, but it’s still there in the background; a grey, hazy mirage that I’m unable to see through yet.
I have the ability. It’s there. It’s just going to take time, and I’m not sure how to determine the length.
There are moments where the skies feel coal black. There’s no light, anywhere, and then there is a period when they have yellows, pinks, blues. My life feels vibrant again. Alive. The next second, the colours have disappeared, flushing down into a universe that – for a minute – I doubt was even there in the first place.
The Matrix-like reality I have entered is a constant see-saw of surprises.
I’m learning things about myself that I never thought possible, whilst at the same time, I’m drowning in a bottomless void of where-to-gos and what-to-dos…. Yes, I’m braver than I could have ever imagined. I am, just not all the time.
I also am now keeping an eye on how much I push myself every day. It’s essential to maintain a balance. I love meeting up with friends and relatives. I’m a big conversationalist, and this has helped me cope with that odd, limbo sensation that never goes away.
However, I’m learning to relax, too. You can’t be full speed ahead all of the time. It’s not healthy. You run yourself into the ground, but…..
That girl in the mirror is now starting to smile back. She’s not a natural friend, but I’m beginning to understand her more, and that’s the first step to a connection.