For all of us, it has been a tough start to the year. The Coronavirus has shaken the world, and sometimes we all don’t know what’s coming and going. 2020 was meant to be so good, better than last year, and already, we all want to see the back of it.
The loss of my mother was one of the biggest, hardest obstacles I have had to cross. Not only was I devastated, my dreams became cluttered with her. After two months, I found that I didn’t want to do anything. Nothing. There was no passion for writing, reading, acting; everything that makes me whole. I had lost the voice which I had always looked to when depression takes hold. I started to wonder if I would ever feel like myself. I began to ask ridiculous questions. “Do I love any of my passions anymore?” Of course I did. Of course I do, but I felt rudderless at the time. I knew what Mum would have said, “Allow yourself time to grieve. Cut yourself some slack, you deserve it.” So, that’s what I chose.
Gradually, with no internal pressure, I started scribbling again. One phrase here. A paragraph there, until – finally – three weeks later, I was no longer having the negative thoughts about the dreams I will always have.
I contacted a grief counselling service called Cruse, and spoke to a lady on the phone. If anyone needs to talk, I recommend them. She listened for nearly an hour, and really helped. If ever I need to contact them in the future, she said they will always be there.
Sleeping has been varied. I manage to catch a few hours, but my mind is running at about 70 miles per hour at the moment! That’s okay, I usually lie there and go through a movie in my head if I can’t sleep.
Now? It’s June, and I have successfully written a new short story (1,000 words to go) I am emailing as Harry Potter once more, I am gasping at the way that language sounds again. I have acted – Robin Hood, Merlin, and Life on Mars in the house. Note: I have an essay on Life on Mars coming up later (Mum was a massive fan, and we used to watch it together), but for now it is so wonderful to see that my love for all that I am has come back. I was lost without my imagination, creativity, and unique outlook on life. It was as though a part of me had died.
Don’t worry, though. All of this cloudy uncertainty has vanished 🙂 and I am looking forward to the week.
As I type this, it’s the 8th June, and I wanted to give you a few updates on how I’m doing, and what has helped me through the grief and confusion of the past few months. I’m going to list everything, it’s easier to see the pointers instead of rambling about every single detail (and that would be at least five essays long!)
Anyway, here goes:
- I have such loving, supportive family and friends, and this makes me incredibly lucky
- I am playing badminton and tennis
- I am learning the bass (and I’m making a list of which one I could possibly buy after this Lockdown! The guitar in the cover photo belongs to Dad)
- I am doing crosswords constantly
- I am writing again
- I am learning about nature more, and even watched Gardeners World the other night!
- I am becoming more adult (Don’t panic, I only mean in the sense of organisation, not in the sense of no longer watching Disney etc!)
- I am going to write a song
- I am going to clean more (Possibly a side job at some point?)
- I am going to update the blog more
I hope you’re all keeping safe, and that you like what I continue to post.