Updates and Reflections, Nightmares and Passions

Journal, My Novel

Morning, all 🙂

It has been a very weird, fuzzy existence for the past two months. In my last journal entry about inner thoughts, I mentioned ‘The Matrix’ as a movie that I could relate to….

Today, I remember another one.

Anyone know the film ‘Sliding Doors?’ I really can’t help but think of it right now; the two lives that the protagonist lives so utterly different. One event is a catalyst that completely turns everything they knew on its head. In one scenario, the character has a healthy life. In the other, she dies.

The event? In one clip, she misses the train. In the opposite? She manages to get it. Just that small, seemingly insignificant action shook everything she ever knew.

That’s how I feel about what happened to Mum…

Sometimes, I just reflect on how things have changed so much.

Most of the time, I’m alright, I trundle through the days, by – as my eulogy said – ‘keeping busy’, but other days it’s a struggle, like I’m attempting to scale a mountain where there’s no top in sight. I lose my footing, curse, and wonder why or how I even started ascending this terrifying hike in the first place. It would be easier to just stay on the ground, wouldn’t it?

If I blocked out everything that happened, if I said that it was all a (forgive the cliche) bad dream…. but it wouldn’t be good in the long run. With your feet planted on the ground, you’re safe from the unpredictable rockiness of the way up, yet, where does safety get you? Nowhere.

I have to keep going, meeting targets, accepting reality, even though it’s difficult. When I go to bed each night, it’s hard. My mind churns out memories and I find myself re-living the night that Mum passed, over and over and over.

The nightmares I have are a series of moving pictures that could have been lifted straight from ‘Frankenstein.’ I know they’ll stop. Eventually.

Anyway, on a lighter note…. You will have seen that I made my triumphant return to the children’s book I’ve been writing….

Sixteen years ago, I embarked on my first original, ‘Will Worthington and The Black Rainbow.’ (For an introduction, please visit the heading ‘My novel’ on the front page)

Like so many people, due to the spread of Coronavirus, none of us are leaving the house. Unlike so many people, this doesn’t bother me really. Why? My truest passion doesn’t require me to step outside the front door. Writing is my oxygen. Yes, I usually go to a cafe and edit there, but luckily, this is an activity that can be met at home. All I need is my laptop, editor’s pages, and cups of tea or coffee. Done.

It’s not just the book, either.

I’m still sending those emails to my friend, the ones where we pretend to be Harry Potter characters, I’m updating Twitter (very important for a budding author in this social media age) and posting entries on here.

I’m lucky.

If I wasn’t a writer, I don’t know what I would have done by now…. probably run around the house as various Potter characters, or people from the Robin Hood and Merlin TV series (well, actually, I would be doing this anyway if it wasn’t for the fact it’s not just me in the house)

Once again, my biggest ambition is a saviour.

What’s everyone else doing? Let me know!

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